Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Wisecracks Ain't Always Wise

Way back in 1998 (I think), was out on a date watching some atrocious Hindi movie. Early into the movie I had pronounced my verdict, both, on the movie as well as my female companion, coz she just wasn't the type to keep a conversation going. So I decided to catch up on the proverbial forty winks. Just as my dreams of what-could-have-been were reaching its climax (pun intended), I was rudely awakened.

She: Why are you sleeping?!
A question, which when put down on paper results in an Interrobang at the end of it. For the mentally challenged, asking something out of incredulity.

Me: So that I can boast, I slept with you.

A smart-ass kick-ass reply. Of all the one-liners that I come up with from time to time, this has been by far the best. I'm still proud of this spur-of-the-moment-without-batting-an-eyelid comment.

Needless to say, the humour was all lost and that was the last I heard from her. In fact, last heard, she was happily married and (I presume) SLEEPING with her husband. Talk of Irony....

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Deny Till You Die

Example 1:
Suppose you ask a friend, "How's your job going?" Pat comes the reply, "Arre Yaar. Aish chal rahi hai." Their eyes give you no reason to believe their words. Being the nice guy that you are, you obviously don't press the issue further. A couple of weeks later, you hear about him/her having quit coz, it wasn't satisfying enough.

Example 2:
There's a girl you are good friends with and who gives you a subtle hint about wanting to go out on a proper date with you. (Don't ask me what constitutes a proper date.) Now, if you don't get the hint, get ready to be bombarded with terms like Dumbo / Dodo / Dickhead. But, if you do and end up asking her out, she will invariably shoot back that long, blank how-could-you glance, as if quite surprised. Almost makes you feel, "Hello! I haven't asked you to sleep with me. Not Yet."

Qn - What links these two examples?
Ans - Some people live in an eternal mode of denial.

(PS: The above two incidents MAY or MAY NOT bear any resemblance to real life events in my life. They MIGHT be purely intentional and NOT AT ALL coincidental.)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Inane Lyrics

Wanted to do a proper post on inane lyrics in Hindi songs. Unfortunately, that would have to wait till a future date. Coz, the first one that came to my mind left me utterly speechless.

Just sample the song 'Muqabla Muqabla' from the movie 'Humse Hai Muqabla':

Jurassic Park Mein Sundar Se Jode Jazz Music Gaaye Milke
Picasso Ki Painting Mera Picha Pakad Ke Texas Mein Nache Milke
Cowboy Dekhe Mujhe Playboy Chhede Mujhe
Sex Mere Tan Mein Hua Mix Mere Mann Mein Hua
Pop Music Jaisi Laila Strawberry Jaisi Aankhein
Love Story Ban Jaane De Kick Thodi Chad Jaane De
Hoton Pe Sabke Dil Ka Taraana

The above lyrics was purely out of memory. So, in the event of any mistakes, kindly pardon me. But, what could be a bigger mistake than actually writing this piece of trash? I mean, what substance abuse was the lyricist under the influence of, when he churned the above. P K Mishra Ne Zaroor Peeke Likha Hai.

And, if you haven't died of laughter, here is another gem. Its actually a Kannada song, that I'd heard when I had been to Mangalore a couple of years back. The lyrics are still fresh in my mind. Here is its English translation:

Waist, Waist, Waist, Waist, Waist, Waist, Waist, Rrrrreeeee.
Waists are a subject of major debate.
But, I am the Vishwamitra on the subject of Waists.
On the Waist lies a big danger.
Below the waist lies a BIGGER DANGER.

(Imp: The Rrrrreeeee at the end of the first line has to be sung in typical Ghaati fashion at the top of your lungs.)

I have absolutely no idea what danger was the lyricist alluding to. But, to borrow Holden Caulfield's now famous expression, the song sure 'killed' me.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

For You

YES. I DO.......

If only you would read this.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Stupidly Sania!!!

My heart skipped a beat everytime you stepped onto the court. I smiled at your T-shirt messages. I cheered your 'every-shot-is-your-last-shot' forehand, though I knew it would come a cropper in longer rallies. I loved your devil-may-care attitude, your spunk, your chutzpah. I debated with friends when they claimed you do not have the talent to be a Top-25 player. I fought with people who passed snide remarks at tennis woman's attire. At times, I wanted to hold you in my arms forever. At times, I wished to protect you the way brothers would protect their kid sisters. In short, I loved you, I adored you.
And then you said this.

Why??? Sania, Why???

Wouldn't it have been much better, if you had just said, "I do not believe in pre-marital sex. I will not have sex before marriage." Where was the need to involve Allah and Islam in what is essentially a matter of personal belief and choice? You invoked your Muslim lineage and your Indian ethos as a line of defence against media sensationalism. SHAME ON YOU.

Words. They fail me in expressing my outrage at your stupid statement.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Saluting Manju

Wished to write this piece a couple of days back, as my reaction to this post by Gaurav.

I hope by now you all must have read newspaper reports about the IIM-L passout S Manjunathan, the IOC sales officer who was killed over a petrol adulteration row. Check the front page of today's (24/11/2005) Indian Express.

I hope his death makes a difference. A positive one, at that. I hope his death serves us all as a beacon of light in the cave of corruption and morass of moral decrepitude, that has become a way of life. And, I hope it changes our pee-in-the-pants-and-take-the-easier-way-out-at-the-first-sign-of-danger attitude that is prevalent all around us.

Saluting You, Manjunathan, the Rarest of Rare.
Rest In Peace.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Air India Sucks

Had been to Delhi over the weekend along with a friend of mine. This is what resulted on our way back home.

We planned to book our tickets on the 10pm flight on Sunday. Coz, that's the cheapest one available. Just Rs.2.5k as against all other airlines including the so-called low-cost airlines, which charges Rs. 5k upwards. We reached the Delhi International Airport at around 12 noon on Sunday. We had planned to book our tickets and then spend the rest of the day roaming around Delhi checking out places, etc.

The first aspect that surprised us was that there were 5 employees at the Air-india counter, of which only one seemed to be working, or atleast pretending to be working. The rest were idling away their time, with a couple of them watching some clips on their cell-phones. Maybe, it was their free-time. So what they do in their free-time is not my concern. The computer on which the tickets were being booked was atleast 6-8 feet away from the counter. Every time, the person had to shout to ask our details and we had to duly oblige him, again shouting. Till an enterprising staff member stood in between and started acting as the mediator for the entire process. The person booked us on the 10 pm flight, gave us a PNR no. and asked us to come 2 hrs prior to the flight to collect our tickets. Having travelled very little by air, we had no clue what the funda behind PNR no. is. But, on being asked "8 baje ticket mil jayega na", he coolly replied, "Haan Haan. Aap 8 baje aa jaaiye. Aapko ticket mil jaayega."

We duly reached at around 8:10 pm and found around 8-10 people in the queue. There was nobody at the counter. We thought, maybe he has gone to take a leak. On asking others we found that the counter was empty since 7 pm. Surely, a leak does not take an hour. We learnt from a fellow passenger that even he had a PNR no. for the 7 pm flight. This person had reached at around 5 pm and he was informed at around 6.45 that the flight was full and that he would have to wait for the 10 pm flight. A few people went to the airport manager to inform him about the situation, who obviously washed his hands off the situation and instead gave the phone no. of some Air-India official. No reply from the other end, even after continuously trying his no. for around 10 minutes. The person finally appeared at around 9 pm and asked us to write down our names on a sheet of paper. I told him that we had a PNR no. and he just brushed it aside, citing that fresh bookings would be done. We were naturally pissed. After another 20-30 minutes (9.40 pm), he started the booking process. He booked 4 people (I and my friend were the unlucky no. 5 and no. 6 on the list), and then said, there are no more seats available.

Worse was to follow. The 4 persons who had their tickets booked, entered the airport. We were still waiting in the hope that divine intervention would somehow conspire in our favour. At around 10.15 pm, three of those four persons were seen entering the counter and having an argument. It turned out that there was just 1 seat available and the counter official had erred in booking 4 of them. They all were quite obviously angry, but could not do anything. And that poor guy who had a PNR no. on the 7 pm flight was again left stranded. We had to go all the way to domestic airport and book the Jet Airways flight scheduled for 9.40 am the next day.

Firstly, the official in the morning did not tell us that PNR nos. are useless. In fact, he assured us that we would be getting tickets two hours prior to the flight. This was utterly stupid and callous on his part. On his assurance, we did not care to inquire about other flights scheduled for Bombay in the evening or night. Now, imagine if some person had to urgently reach Bombay and if he had been in our position. In fact, I and my friend had to reach our workplace on Monday. I guess, that is urgent enough. Why go through the entire charade of so-called booking tickets in the morning and asking people to turn up prior to the flight and then subjecting them to such shoddy service.

Secondly, in this age of computerisation, how can you book four tickets when there is just one seat available. Is Air-India living in the Jurassic Age?

Thirdly, how can an airlines booking counter be empty for more than 2 hours. Much better service is delivered by Indian Railways, or for that matter even at State Transport bus-stands.

Being a person, who has quite recently entered corporate life, I sure would be doing a lot more air-travel in future. But, I have vowed never ever to fly Air-India. Is this the airlines that was founded by the great JRD Tata?

PS: The screens showed three Air-India flights for Bombay. The timings were 10 pm, 10.15 pm and 10.35 pm. We asked whether there are any seats available on the other flights. The official replied, "There is only one flight. And that is at 10 pm." When we told him about what the screens were showing, he coolly replied, "Actually, the 10 pm flight normally gets a bit delayed. So, we also show 10.15 and 10.35 on the screens." WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Parental Abuse

The following news filled me with the utmost grief -
They burnt me with cigarettes

To think that such discrimination continues in India is truly deplorable. And what's more, in Bombay, one of the very few truly cosmopolitan cities in the country.

The cigarette burn marks will sure heal. But, what about her mental scars???

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Kapde Utaar

One can tell a lot about someone's personality, from the manner in which he/she takes off his/her partner's clothes. I mean, if one just hurries through the entire process as if its a mere formality, he/she can be dubbed a 'hawrya'. For the Bombay-lingo challenged, the word would be 'Despo' (though not the exact translation). Whereas, if you initially focus on the earrings, watch, etc, etc. you are the slow romantic mover-and-shaker (pun intended).

But, one of my friends sent this forward that claims to reveal your personality traits according to the way you undress yourself. Read on:

1. If you throw your clothes all over the place, you're a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you. Your parents might think your room looks like a cyclone's hit it? But it actually represents your happy, individualistic nature! Stay that way!

2. If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes life to be very calm. You are comfortable with routine work. And you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place. You are a perfectionist. By nature you are quite shy. You're dependable and sometimes intense. You think carefully before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration.

3. If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the pants, you are an extremely self-confident person. You are naturally bright and intellectual. You are also a deep thinker who loves to ask questions and ponder over the meaning of things. You hate being rushed and you do not like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

4. If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you're worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy. You often feel stressed, but most of those heavy expectations come from your own head! Give yourself a break, you don't have to be perfect!

5. If you take off your rings, earrings, necklace, watch, etc before anything else, you are a warm and sensitive person. You are considerate and thoughtful, and you give good advice to your friends. You are a natural born romantic. Helping friends or anybody for that matter is your second nature. You hate liars and you would love the world to become a better place.

6. If you don't have an undressing routine and you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious and interesting person. You enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure. The word monotony cannot dampen your spirits at any cost, as you live life kingsize. Having fun is as much a part of your routine as slogging it out at office.

Though I generally find such 'what kind of a person are you' type test utterly hopeless and misleading, this is one I completely agree with. Now, if you are curious as to what category I fall in, Na Na Na Na Na Re Na Re Na Re.........(Chorus)...........

The next time you meet someone and you want to know what sort of a person he/she is, just utter the magic words, "Kapde Utaar".

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Brief Sabbatical

Its been more than a week since I have posted anything on my blog. And no, I shall not offer any lame excuses like been to the US or got married or tigers chased me out of concrete jungles or aliens beamed me up their UFO's, etc, etc. PLAIN LAZY, I have to admit.

Alright, let me see, what have I been upto? Watched "Doctor Zhivago", "Scent of a Woman", "Bawandar" and "The Sound Of Music" and read "The Moon & Six Pence", "Right Ho, Jeeves" and am currently in the midst of "An Equal Music". Hmmm, not bad.

Had a great quiz-night on Saturday. Basically, five of us quizzers met at my place and quizzed for around 3-4 hrs with liberal helpings of meat (non-human variety) and Romanov to keep us company. Nothing beats hard-core quizzing while being inebriated.

Oh, yes. Certain new developments have indeed taken place. So, all in all, things are looking up. Quite literally.

The only regret being missing the Bombay Bloggers Meet on Sunday. SHIT!!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Capitol Zindabad!!!

Latest Bollywood blockbuster playing at Capitol.

*ing Meghna Naidu and debutant Aditya Om

The movie has a first to its credit or so claims Director/Actor Aditya Om, "I think this is going to be the first film in which not two, but three people will be seen together in bed."

Yummy, Meghna (or should it be, Yummy Meghna) surely has her hands full. If this doesn't make you watch the movie, what will. I have already placed a request with my neighbourhood VCD-wallah.

If you are yearning for a much heartier laugh, here goes a quote by Meghna, "I am a complete professional. I don’t feel shy taking off my clothes in front of 20 or 30 unit members."

Way to go, Girl...

PS: BF stands for 'Bad Friend' and not Blue Film.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Multiple B-Grade Roles

Qn - What is the record for multiple roles in an Indian movie?

I am sure you all would say, its Sanjeev Kumar in the movie 'Naya Din Nayi Raat' with 9 roles.

Well, it still holds true. Except for the fact that he shares this record with a Bhojpuri actor named Ravi Kishan. Ravi, who is supposed to be a household name in Bhojpuri-speaking belt essayed the remarkable feat of 9 roles, in a cinematic extravaganza, that goes by the name of 'Raja Bhai Lagey Raho'.

Now, you all must be wondering where and how and why on earth did I get this info from. Well actually, I have always been fascinated by the B-grade movies screened at Capitol cinema, just opposite VT station. Not that I have been to any of these. For the past one week, there has been this 'Raja Bhai Lagey Raho' poster that screamed back at me every morning. Did a bit of Google Search on the movie and that's how I got this info. Will someday include it in a quiz, just to drive participants mad.
Quizmaster's Ultimate Revenge!!!